FAMILY PLANNING

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. I have been married for 7 years and have 7 children and I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

When I got married I was advised to use the “Rhythm Method”. Despite trying the Samba and the Tango, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the “Safe Period”. At the time we were living with in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly Holsten Pils, but I did end up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy – and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives’ tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the “Sheath”. She demonstrated how easy it was to use and I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again!  This didn’t really surprise me as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb – as the chemist demonstrated – could possibly prevent babies.

My wife was then supplied with a “Coil” and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw!

The “Dutch Cap” came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the “Pill”. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing!!!

Yours faithfully

 

 

Frank Frustration