WHAT TO DO IN THE EVENT OF A NUCLEAR WAR

Reporter: PETER PEMPSLIDER

Q: HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN WAR BREAKS OUT?

A: Well, should you fail to notice the blinding white flash and searing heat blast, burning your eves out of their sockets, you should get some idea that something is wrong when the shockwave propels you at Mach 2 into the nearest brick wall. Should you then fail to notice this, you will be unable to miss the fact that hands and feet have been vaporised.

Q: WILL THE BLAST AFFECT MY HOUSE ?

A: You should find that your house suffers only minor damage, but it's probable location will be some 15 or 20 miles from it's original position. When you do find your house don't forget to reset the clock on the video, as it is unlikely to be correct.  

Q: WHAT ARE MY CHANCES OF SURVIVAL ?  

A: Your chances of survival will be fairly low in the view that over 99% of the U.K. population will be either burnt, blown to bits, vaporised or infected with radiation poisoning.  

Q: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I HAVE RADIATION SICKNESS ?

A: You should know when you lose control of all your bodily functions. A feeling of sickness and a strong smell of shit will convince you that something is wrong. Don't hesitate to shoot yourself or watch Terry Wogan.

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