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If you caught a man having sex in a church, Would he be a PORN again Christian ?

And if he was just playing with himself, Would you find him in the PULPIT ?

 

I got a text message the other day which read:

£gewttoi oewie iflew97tr T^*& ewR $£^

$£^%£ t43%£6£6 ETRG ^%y 45 $%Y$6

%$^$^ $Y$%^y4 ^u65uj7^ijyjtYTR yt ytj

Sender: Stevie Wonder

 

What is the scientific name for Viagra ?

Mycoxafloppin !

 

What is the most common medical procedure carried out on lesbians ?

A Strapadicktomy !

 

A man bursts into a Doctors surgery and says, "Doctor you've got to help me, I think I'm shrinking"

The Doctor says, "Hold on a minute, Can you be a little patient ?"

 

A man goes to the Doctors and says, "On Monday I felt like Mickey Mouse, On Tuesday I felt like Donald Duck, and on Wednesday I felt like Pluto"

The Doctor replies, "Tell me - How long have you been having these DISNEY SPELLS ?"

 

I was talking to a teacher from my local high school the other day. She said, "All the kids at my school are innumerate"

So I told her, "Don't worry - They don't count !"

 

A man goes to the Doctors with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse. He bends over and asks the Doctor to take a look at it.

The Doctor looks and shakes his head.

The man says, "Is it serious ?"

The Doctor says, "I'm afraid it's just the tip of the Iceberg"          

 

What does John Major have for his tea ?

Nothing - He prefers to pop out later and get stuck into a curry !

 

A man goes to the Doctors with a steering wheel down the front of his underpants.

The Doctor says, "What's that doing there ?"

The man says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts !"

 

Michael Barrymore has been found dead with chocolate all around his arsehole . . . . .

Police believe that George Michael was careless  with a wispa !

 

Our Ice-Cream man was found lying on the floor of his ice-cream van covered with monkeys blood and hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself !

 

A man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, " I'll give you some cream to put on that ".

 

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

Man: "Is it common ?"

Doc: "It's not unusual !"

 

A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts !"

 

Man: "Doctor I can't say my F's, T's and H's"

Doc: "Well you can't say fairer than that then !"

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any !

 

That viagra is funny stuff. You have to swallow it quickly or you get a stiff neck !

 

Did you hear about the man who died of an overdose of viagra ?

 It took 3 weeks to nail the coffin lid down !

 

Our local chemist was robbed last week and all the viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals !

 

What's the difference between a woman coming out of a church and a woman coming out of a bath ?

Well, One has HOPE in her SOUL - And the other has SOAP in her HOLE !

 

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children ?

Ask your mother !

 

How do you embarrass an archeologist ?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from !

 

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's ?

In Iraq

 

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic ?

They know how many men went down on the Titanic !

 

An old man is speaking to a young boy and they get onto the topic of death.
"So little boy, how would you like to die?" asks the man.
"I want to die sleeping like my grandfather, not screaming like the other people in the car"

 

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help .....?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "Next time you have a shit it will come out a treat....."

 

Q. What's the difference between a 69 and driving in fog?
A. Driving in fog you can never see the arsehole in front of you.

 

Q. What is the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on!

 

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse. He says,
"How'd you get a cork in your arse?".
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out, he said 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish', Then I said, 'No shit!'"

 

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of a store when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse and slapped his mouth full on its rectum. One of the stunned women cried:
"That's disgusting, why did you do that?" to which the cowboy replied,  "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?".
"No," said the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking them!".

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer!

 

Three hookers are in a bar. The first hooker said,
"I bet you five pounds that I could put three fingers up my p*ssy."
Then the second hooker said, "I bet I could put my whole fist up my p*ssy I've been f****d that much!"
The third hooker said nothing and just slid down the stool !

 

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, she leans forward and whispers in his ear, "It f*****g hurts doesn't it!"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

 

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... ...and both his legs fall off.  

 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his dick and wipes the tip. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and again wipes the tip. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again takes his dick out and wipes the tip. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

 

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

  

Corporate America:

After a two -year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become...

 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't f**k with him!"

 

Q. Why did God give women orgasms?
A. It gives them something else to moan about!

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad; the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. 

Dermot said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.
Dermot looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."  

The mortician thought that was rather strange so he brought Tony in to identify the body. Tony took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."  

The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well, Paddy had two assholes" said Tony
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. 

Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink.  He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts.  After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together!"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman,  becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

 

Timmy was in his garden one afternoon filling in a hole. Next door, Timmy’s neighbour was mowing the lawn when he noticed the small boy and decided to investigate.
“What are you up to there, Timmy?” he said peering over the fence.
“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy, “so I’ve buried him.”
“I’m so sorry,” said the man, “must have been a big old fish though, Timmy, that hole’s huge!”
Timmy patted down the last patch of earth before replying, “That's because he's inside your f*****g cat.

 

Smithy the tramp was sitting on a park bench one day when one of his friends turned up to join him for a few super-strength cans. After the first couple of tins, Smithy’s friend turned to him and said, “Christ boy! You smell really bad today - have you shit yourself or something?” 

Smithy was deeply offended, stating adamantly that he would never do a thing like that, even though he was a tramp. The two continued drinking, but after a while Smithy’s friend was almost chundering at the stench. “You sure you haven't shit yourself ?” he asked, “you stink worse than ever!”

“I haven’t!” shouted Smithy. “And I'll prove it to you!”

With that, the filth-ridden bum stood up, whipped off his string belt and dropped his trousers. There in the seat of his bottoms, lay a huge, steaming, coiled turd.
“What did I tell you – you’ve shit yourself you lying git!” said his friend.
“Bollocks,” replied Smithy, “that b**tard was there when I got them.”

 

A man walked into a pub one night, strolled over to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. The barman quickly pulled him a pint and asked for a penny.
“One penny?!” said the man, shocked. “A penny for the beer?!”
“That’s right,” replied the barman, “just one penny.”
The man thought this was unbelievable, so to test the bar prices, he ordered a steak with chips, peas and a salad.
“Certainly sir,” came the barman’s reply, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much,” asked the man.
The barman thought for a moment, “Fifty pence,” he said.
“Fifty pence?!” the man shouted. “Where's the bloke who owns this place?”
Pointing upwards, the barman said, “Upstairs with my wife.”
“Oh,” continued the man, “well what's he doing up there with her?”
A look of satisfaction crossed the barman’s face before he said, “Same as what I'm doing down here to his business.”  

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